Jason didn't know what to say to that, so he simply removed the cigarette from his mouth, exhaling deeply. After a long silence where neither of them looked at each other, Nate spoke again.
"Do you just not care?" He said, sounding smaller than Jason had ever heard him.
"What?" Jason looked at him, confusion etched all over his face.
"About me. About how I feel. I'm trying to show you that things can be different, but all you want is to cling to what you know. You haven't even noticed that I hate how things are now."
"That's not true." Jason said, even though it was. "I just... It's difficult. I don't want to lose everything I have over some thought that maybe it could be better."
"Everything you have is shit!" Nate snapped, finally losing his temper and turning to face Jason. "Your friends are boring drunks who don't care about anything but the next fuck, they're just holding you down. Can't you see that you're better than them, Jason? So much better! You're sensitive! You think about more than booze and chicks! I fell in love with you because you understood me just by reading some shitty poem I wrote. Why can't you understand me anymore even when I clearly tell you how I'm feeling? I am tired of this. I can't do it anymore. If you don't tell them, I will." Nate squeezed Jason's hand gently then let go, staring intently at the cigarette in his hand, willing himself to speak; unable to say the next words while looking at Jason.
"Either we tell your friends about us..." He said quietly, an edge of roughness and pain to his voice. "...Or I can't do this anymore."
Jason stared at him, shocked. "You mean... like..."
"I mean I can't be with you if we're going to live like this." Nate said quietly, walking to the water's edge and sitting down, hugging his knees with the hand that had been holding Jason's, taking a long drag of the abandoned cigarette in his other hand. "I want... I want a future with you. I know it's stupid, but I want us to get married and adopt kids and grow old together. We can't ever do any of that if you can't even tell your friends you're gay. If you can't do that... I can't keep wasting all my love on someone I've got no future with."
Jason wasn't sure when he ended up sitting next to Nate; he didn't remember walking or sitting while his boyfriend spoke, but he was there now, and that was that. He turned, so he was sitting in front of Nate, and kissed him hard, desperate to show him that he felt the same.
"I love you so much. I want all that too, I reall, really do. I just... I can't tell them. You may be confident enough to be out to all your friends, but I can't. I can't see their faces and know they're thinking about how I'm a huge fudge packer. I can't. I'm not strong enough."
"Can't we be strong enough together?" Nate pleaded, looking up into Jason's eyes, silently begging with his own brilliant blues.
"I..." For what felt like the millionth time since this argument had started, Jason had no idea what to say. "I just can't tell them. You don't know Ricky like I do, we've been friends since we were fifteen, he really honestly hates gay people. He doesn't really think they're human."
"They? WE. He doesn't think WE're human. You keep talking about gay people like you're not one, but you are." Nate said, looking defiantly into Jason's eyes.
"Well I'm sorry for not being a one-man pride parade!" Jason protested, flinging his hands in the air. "I just can't be proud of something I grew up believing was a disgusting sin. I just can't. I'm sorry. It's gonna take me a long, long time to even adjust to the thought of maybe telling the guys something about it one day."
"It's been a long time. When did you tell me you figured it out? When you were sixteen? Didn't it ever occur to you that maybe this isn't one of those things you can keep secret forever? You know all about it whenever Ricky gets laid, why can't you tell him you're genuinely in love with someone?" Nate protested, tossing his cigarette butt carelessly into the lake and pulling out another one.
"I just... they'd kill me. My parents... they'd never talk to me again. Ricky would honestly beat the shit out of me. He'd hate me. I can't."
"Let me then. You don't even have to be there. I just... I want them to know so we can stop having to pretend we're just friends." Nate said.
"I can't even have them know. It's too risky. Way, way, way too risky. They're quick to anger. They know where I live."
"I could tell them when they're drunk?" Nate said.
"Christ, that's even WORSE? Have you never seen the muscles on those guys? And they're all more aggressive when they're drunk. Everyone is. You can't tell them. WE can't tell them. Just... no. Not now. They'll freak."
"...Let's go home." Nate sighed, sounding more defeated than Jason had ever heard him. "I'm tired. We can talk tomorrow. After the Shakespeare exam, you should come hang out with my friends. Just... see what it's like to live in a more relaxed world."
"Okay." Jason sighed, agreeing simply because he was tired of arguing. "FUCK!" He added, as the burning of his forgotten cigarette finally reached his fingers, scorching them. He dropped the butt, waving his hand angrily and swearing violently, then stood up and stomped on the spent cigarette, extinguishing it and getting rid of a small portion of the anger he didn't even realise he was carrying until he stamped it away. Nate slowly stood up, taking Jason's burned hand in both of his and raising it to his lips, gently placing a loving kiss on the scorched fingertips. Despite the anger, fear, confusion and exhaustion milling around inside him, Jason couldn't help but smile, pulling Nate to face him and kissing him softly; an affirmation of everything they had between them. Nate kissed him back, though it was a tired and hesitant attempt, and simply left Jason more confused than ever.
"Come on." Nate said, sounding even more exhausted than Jason felt, and slid the fingers of his warm hand between Jason's and squeezing gently; an affirming squeeze that just made things harder than ever.
Neither of them said a word on the walk back to Jason's flat.
CHAPTER TWO
"Morning gorgeous." Nate smiled, rolling onto Jason's bare chest and placing a soft kiss on his lips. Jason groaned.
"It's too early to be alive, isn't it?" He asked, flinging the crook of his elbow over his eyes to block the early morning sunlight tearing at his poor abused retinas through his eyelids.
"Far too early." Nate said, smiling. But Shakespeare awaits, I'm afraid. The Immortal Bard waits for no man.
"Does he wait for an early morning fuck?" Jason asked, half-kidding, a smirk all that was visible of his face under the arm.
"Mmmm... he might. But if he's waiting for a fuck, he probably won't bother to stick around for breakfast too."
"Food or sex. Nathan, you impose the most impossible choices upon me. At a stupid hour of the morning. Are you sure you're not related to the devil?"
"Last I checked I hadn't sprouted horns yet." Nate smiled, rubbing Jason's stomach teasingly. "You might have to check again for me though."
"You want me to check if you're horny... ha ha ha. It's too early for you to be that funny." Jason said, uncovering his eyes and squinting at Nate. Nate beamed back.
"You'll appreciate it after coffee. I'll make you one."
"You are the light of my life, and I don't mean that literally." Jason smiled, covering his eyes again. Nate dragged himself out of bed, not bothering to so much slip into his boxers, padding off to make the coffee naked and barefoot. Jason just lay there, thinking over the argument they'd had last night, and wondering why Nate was so much happier this morning. Maybe he had drunk more than he let on before they left The Saucy Wench And The Puny Seaman. That could be it. Just the alcohol.
"So, I'm looking forward to hanging out with my friends after the exam." Nate smiled, reentering the room with a coffee in each hand, still naked as the day he was born. So that was it. It wasn't any unspoken agreement that had been reached last night; it was that Jason had agreed to meet Nate's friends, see what it was like to be gay and out. "I texted Kyle," Nate continued, passing Jason his coffee and slipping back into the bed next to him. "He's keen to finally meet you, he's gonna tell the others. They're meeting us for coffee at two. Kyle and Kit are definitely coming, they're such a sweet couple." Nate smiled. "Sephora will probably be there too... she's not gay, so we call her our fag hag. Um... who else? Oh, Tony and Steve of course... they're twins. Fraternal, though they're practically the same person. Tony used to be known as Tina. Ummm... Gabriel, he's got a sort-of girlfriend, though he and Steve apparently had a thing in high school. And that's about all I can think of. Some of the others might show up, though I'm not really sure. We usually meet up and have coffee every afternoon, while you're teaching guitar. You'll really like them."
Jason could do nothing but nod, slightly stunned. He appeared to have been press-ganged into a brand new group of friends, with little to no regard for his old ones. And to be honest... they may have been cunts, but they were his cunts, and he could barely imagine - could barely remember his life without them.
Nate smiled, resting his chin on Jason's chest and putting his coffee cup on the bedside table. "So, mind made up about your impossible pre-shakespeare dilemma yet?" He asked, smirking cheekily. And Jason was hooked. He could never resist Nate and his beautiful blues, no matter how confusing, heartbreaking, or difficult things got. He smiled, and his mug joined Nate's on the bedside table.
--
"Hey guys." Nate smiled, waving to what looked like a strange collection of punks and nerds to Jason. He still couldn't believe he was just going along with this coffee, but everything seemed very up in the air altogether right now. Plus he was a little woozy from the stuffy, warm air in the exam room.
"Hey man." Greeted a curly-haired man sitting at the table. He got up and hugged Nate, who returned it happily, then turned to Jason.
"You must be Jason, yeah? I'm Kyle. We've been hearing about you for months." He smiled, extending a hand. Jason was stunned for a second, but managed to shake it. Kyle was short, barely reaching up to Jason's shoulders (and Jason had thought he was short himself.) and polite, dressed in a bright lilac shirt that just screamed fag. Another man had stood up next to him; this one tall, in a black t-shirt and dark blue skinny jeans. "This is Kit, Nate's probably mentioned him. He's my boyfriend."
"Hey." Jason said, somewhat more weakly than he had wanted his voice to come out. "Nice to meet you."
"This is Gabriel." Kyle went on, gesturing to a man covered from neck to toe in bright, colourful tattoos, dressed in a bright fuchia top and electric blue skinny jeans. "Gab and I are cousins." He explained, just as Jason noticed they shared the same large nose and bushy eyebrows. "Gab's a tattooist, hence the ink. He doesn't bite though."
"G'day, man." Gabriel said cheerfully, flicking his dark fringe out of his face and taking a sip of his coffee. "I do bite upon occasion, but only when asked to." He said cheerfully, biting one of his snakebites as he smiled.
"This is Sephora." Kyle went on, gesturing to the only girl at the table. She was blonde and sweet-looking, and gave Jason a friendly wave. "She's an art major."
"Hey." Jason smiled, waving back. He was starting to get to get the hang of this meeting fags thing.
"And this is Tony and Steve. They're twins." Kyle finished, gesturing to the last two people at the table. The taller one with ginger hair grinned.
"Yeah, but I'm older. And hotter."
"Shut it, Tina." Pouted the other twin, who was shorter and had spiky red and black hair.
"Oh, you bastard!" Tony/Tina shrieked in a voice far too high to be a man's. He/she reached over and punched his/her brother on the arm hard. Steve recoiled.
"Ow! That fucking hurt!" He grinned, standing up and backing away from his twin. "Just for that I'm ditching you. I don't love you anymore."
"I'm injured." Tony/Tina laughed, flipping Steve off and pushing on the back of his/her labret stud with his/her tongue as though it were a challenge. Steve responded by wrapping his teeth around both the rings of his snakebites and flicking them forward agressively, while pulling the finger right back at his brother/sister.
"They're always like this. Just ignore them." Nate laughed, sitting in a chair next to Kyle's, and pulling another one up next to him for Jason. Jason sat down, slightly taken aback by all the crazy activity, and just... craziness of Nate's friends. Kyle and Kit resumed their seats, now that the awkward greetings were over, and Steve took a seat between Jason and Sephora, rather than returning to sit on Sephora's other side by his twin. Tony/Tina stuck his/her tongue out and picked up his/her tea again, ignoring Steve.
"So Jason." Steve smiled brightly, batting his unnaturally long lashes and ignoring his twin's glares totally. "What's your major?"
"Music." Jason responded, finding that this was some kind of normal conversation he could get into. "I wanna start a band someday, but I wanna get better acquanted with music theory and stuff first."
"That's pretty cool." Steve smiled. "I used to play piano, but I gave it up when Tony gave up violin and stopped being Tina."
"Cool." Jason didn't know what else to say, still somewhat stumped by the idea of how someone could possibly want to stop being their own gender. 'I mean, it's your GENDER! You can't just wake up one day and realise you're tired of having a dick. It just doesn't happen!' Keeping his thoughts to himself though, Jason just nodded.
"I'm majoring in Performing Arts." Steve continued, either not noticing the awkwardness surrounding his twin's lack of cock, or so used to it he didn't even comment anymore. "I really want to like... host shows on TV and stuff. You know, be the dude who's just always there, the representation of the show. I think that would be pretty bad ass."
"Yeah." Jason smiled. He had never even thought of it before, but it'd be a pretty awesome job actually.
"I've got an interview tomorrow actually, to host The Bachelor. Wouldn't that be awesome? I mean, being surrounded by chicks sucks pretty badly, but it's such a huge show! I'm so excited!" He grinned, and one of his lip rings tilted adorably.
"That's awesome, man." Jason found himself grinning back like a moron. "Good luck. I'll definitely watch the show if you're on it."
"Sweet." Steve grinned, apparently not noticing anything off about Jason's smile, which he felt was far too large and far too cheesy. What the FUCK was wrong with him? "Tony's threatening to show up as Tina and pretend to be my trashy baby-mama just to piss me off. He won't do it though, he hasn't been Tina since we were 15."
He. That answered Jason's gender pronoun problem. Though he still had no idea what to say. "Fair enough." His old fallback, good for any situation.
"He's weirded out because I don't have a dick yet!" Tony called across the table, and Jason felt himself going deep red. Steve laughed.
"He's just fucking with you. He's used to all the questions and the weirdness and the awkward. Yes, call him a he, or Tony. Or Tina, if you're not fond of your nuts. Yes, he's saving for the operation. Yes, everyone in our family knows about him. There are even some people who have no idea he was ever a girl. Anything else?"
Jason had nothing to say, so he simply shook his head dumbly.
"Oh, ease up guys." Nate laughed, clearly in his element. He already had a coffee; Kyle had clearly ordered him one before they arrived. It bothered Jason slightly, though he didn't know quite why. "Don't worry, they do this to everyone. If you head for the hills, you fail the twin test. If you stick around, they'll settle down."
"Spoilsport!" Tony stuck his tongue out at Nate, who flipped him off casually. Gabriel laughed, and Sephora leaned around Steve, who was now also protesting along with his twin against Nate spoiling their fun.
"So what sort of music do you play?" She asked, closing a sketchbook which had been sitting on her lap and leaning back to speak to Jason, who leaned back too.
"Rock, mostly. I just sort of jam at this point. I'm okay, but I don't really think I'm good enough to do anything more."
"Rock, eh?" Gabriel said, cutting through the banter. "You don't look like a rock man. Too clean cut." He gestured to Jason's light green polo shirt and comfortably loose, untorn jeans. "Not even any piercings or tattoos?" He asked, sounding disappointed.
"Er... nope. Isn't it more about music than image?" Jason asked, and Gabriel brushed him aside with a sigh and a careless wave of the hand.
"Oh, you're one of those rockers. Good luck to you." He sighed, sipping a cup of what appeared to be tea. How quaint.
"So, is he a good fuck?" Steve asked Nate casually, clearly eager to either do some evaluation, make Jason as uncomfortable as possible, or both. Jason, having at last recieved the coffee he had ordered when they entered the cafe, spat his first blissful mouthful all over the table.
"STEVE!" Nate yelled, flushing bright red.
"Yeah, go on! Spill!" Tony grinned, jumping straight onto his twin's bandwagon. Both Nate and Jason were interesting shades of red, and Kyle decided to defend them.
"Lay off them, guys." He sighed, taking control of the situation.
"Steve wouldn't mind laying ON them!" Tony yelled, bursting into loud giggles, and Steve threw some sugar packets on him.
"Shut up, dickless!" He called, and flicked his lip rings again. Tony responded by pushing out his lip stud again, and they both laughed at some bizarre twin joke Jason couldn't even begin to fathom.
"SO. Maturity time now?" Gabriel asked, and Jason realised for the first time that he was quite a bit older than the others; certainly over thirty. He had those refined lines of someone who's had a fun life just starting to form around his eyes and nose.
"If you buy me another mocha." Steve batted his eyelashes, and Gabriel rolled his eyes.
"You're a wanker."
"Yeah, but I'm good at it!" Steve grinned, and everyone laughed... even the corners of Gabriel's lips lifted slightly.
"So what do you guys major in?" Jason asked, trying to return some normalcy to the conversation, and everyone settled down as Gabriel got up to order Steve's mocha and avoid the uni-talk.
"Cooking." Kyle smiled.
"Art History." Kit.
"Costume Design." Tony, surprisingly.
"Art." Sephora.
"Performing Arts, like I said." Steve, with a cheeky grin and a wink.
"What about you?" Tony asked, as Gabriel returned with Steve's mocha, which the short man squealed with delight for and immediately snatched off him.
"Music." Jason smiled. "Guitar and vocals, more specifically. And I teach guitar on the side."
Kit nodded. "Nate told us. Tony just never listens."
"Bite me." Tony rolled his eyes, flipping Kit off with a bright yellow polished nail, a tattoo of a black star on the finger joint just below said nail.
"Is that an open invitation?" Gabriel smirked.
"Mature, guys." Sephora rolled her eyes, opening the sketchbook and disappearing into it.
Today: 3636
Total: 8823
Maybe I can do this...
content
depressed
blah
distressed
artistic